Articles - Navigating 50 Plus

6 other things that can shake up your life in your 50’s

babs — Thu, 23 Aug 2018 22:47:55 GMT

When we were thirty years old, we were really just starting our lives. Our roaring twenties were over and now it was time to get serious. We faced ups and downs, twists and turns but it was okay because we were young and still flexible. We weren’t phased by the things that can shake up your life.

These bumps were a rite of passage; part of the journey to our golden years. The golden years when we thought we could relax. The golden years that we thought were filled with sunny afternoons drinking lemonade on the back porch with our golden friends. The golden years that we thought started at fifty.

I don’t know about you but I certainly fit this mold. I was that naïve. I thought that by fifty, I would surely have my shit together – finally. Nobody told us that the “Golden Years” holds its own piles shit.

Illness and death are at the top of the list of course. And this could be the illness or death of a loved one or your own illness. Your own death is someone else’s pile of shit. These are obvious and I don’t need to rattle on about how they can shake up your life – we all know it.

It’s the other piles that don’t look like shit at first but when you look closer; they certainly can smell like it.

6 other events (piles) that can shake up your life in your 50’s

Children Leaving

Despite the endless comedic fodder it provides, the adjustment from parent to empty nester is no joke. We’ve spent 20+ years taking care of our little ducklings and then, one day, they just aren’t there anymore.

And the longer they stay, (and they are staying longer . . . and longer!) the harder it can be when they – finally! – leave.

You’ve been waiting for this day for what seems like forever and you think you’re ready for it. The house plans are on the table and the contractor has been put on retainer; you’re ready to “remodel” them out of your house.

Finally, the day comes and twenty years of your life is moved out in a single afternoon. The silence is deafening. And the void they leave in the household is surprising because you never saw them when they were here anyway.

I think he’s in his room.

I didn’t see her leave, did you?

Children Coming Back

Maybe you’re one of the lucky ones and had no issues with the leaving; maybe that third bedroom has finally become the mom-cave that it was always meant to be. But what if they come back?!?!

Yes, I’m talking about the boomerang kids. They can definitely cramp your newly rediscovered independent lifestyle. In fact, I just read a horrifying article titled

study suggests that 100,000 ‘boomerang kids’ will never leave home

What!?! Apparently, it’s called the “failure to launch” phenomenon.

There are a multitude of theories as to the reason for the increase in this “boomerang-ing” and you can choose to blame it on whatever you want. I blame university. For years, we keep moving them out and then bringing them back. Repetition creates habit.

However, I do think some of the responsibility falls back on us parents. I think that the more accurate term is the “failure to push” phenomenon.

Divorce

Divorce can be devastating for some; liberating for others. Either way, making the move to being on your own again involves some big changes.

If you are staying in the matrimonial home, you are now minus a person. And, like the void that the kids leave when they go, you will feel it. Not enough to ask them back but still . . .

Or maybe you’re setting up a new household, in a new location that requires you to shop at a new grocery store and find a new hairdresser . . . a new pharmacist . . . a new bank. That’s a whole lot of “new”.

You will also be dealing with fallout from the kids (or parents or siblings). Divorce has a ripple effect. Everyone has an opinion and most are very happy to share it.

And then there are the friends. Some will support you and others will not. You may need to begin building a new social network. (depending on who got custody of those judgy friends)

Re-marriage

Let’s face it. We aren’t in our twenties anymore. We’re a bit (okay – a lot!) set in our ways and learning to share our lives again isn’t easy. Especially if you’ve been on your own for while. Hell, even sharing the cutlery drawer isn’t easy.

I speak from personal experience – deciding if the cutlery should be kept in this drawer or that drawer can be the longest argument ever!

Even the most “laid back” person in the world will have definite ideas on how the new household should be set up and run. I don’t know about you but my desire to compromise gets less and less the older I get.

Sure, love will keep us together when “some, sweet girl comes along, singing her song” but will love keep us together when deciding how to arrange the furniture in the family room.

Job Loss

Downsized, phased out or – my personal favourite – restructured! Whatever the term; job loss hits like a tornado, turning your world inside out and upside down. Hitting the pavement is not where you want to be at 50+.

Especially since it’s not hitting the pavement anymore – it’s hitting the keyboard which is so much harder. When we used to look for jobs , we cold called or walked in off the street presenting our resume. We at least had the opportunity to use our sparkling personality to help get in the door. Now most companies don’t even want to see you until they have reviewed your resume that you were required to submit electronically. Only chosen candidates will be contacted – ouch!

But a job loss doesn’t have to be all doom and gloom. It could be your next biggest opportunity!

Retirement

Aaaah; Retirement at last! We’ve worked hard and we’ve been looking forward to it for so long. No agenda. Doing what we want when we want to do it. No alarm clock, no traffic, no reports to do, no boss to please.

What we don’t expect is that the sudden change to waking up in the morning with nowhere specific to go takes some getting used to. Oh sure, it’s easy for the first few weeks because it feels like a vacation but then you just end up craving conversation over your morning coffee (this would totally be me).

I remember going into a McDonalds for coffee one morning on the way to work and I saw a group of older people in one section having breakfast and chatting away. There must have been ten or more of them. The girl at the counter told me that it was the retirement crew and that they come at 7AM every morning – rain or shine. I thought that was pretty cool.

And what if “retirement” doesn’t meet our expectations? What if the grass isn’t as green as we thought it was going to be on the other side of the fence? It may be time to re-think what you’re retirement looks like. There are no rules for retirement, you can make it whatever you want.

Listen, shake ups happen all throughout life (look for another post from me in 10 years about the things that can shake up your life in your sixties) but they don’t have to shake it in a bad way. It’s important to look at life from all different perspectives; sometimes a big shake up can be the best thing to happen to you.

It’s time to get creative. Figure out a way to make that shit smell like a rosebush!

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life lessons from a chicken?

babs — Sat, 21 Jul 2018 01:19:18 GMT

It’s funny. You can learn life lessons anytime, anywhere. I happened to learn a very valuable life lesson the other week . . . while cooking chicken?

I was feeling bored with chicken so I thought I would try a new recipe for chicken thighs. It was supposed to be the best fried chicken ever!

I gathered the spices that I needed to season the flour – better than the 7 herbs and spices the colonel uses, the recipe said!

I laid out the dishes – one for the egg and one for the flour. I dipped each chicken thigh into the egg; dredged it in the flour; back into the egg and back into the flour. I felt like a kindergartener at the “play with paste” station. It was a mess but the recipe promised great rewards. So I dipped and dredged and dipped and dredged.

I hauled out the electric skillet and preheated the oil. Not too much, just about a quarter of an inch deep. I had to push back the memory of the story my mom told often about the first time she tried to make French fries as a new wife and almost burned the kitchen down. I have an irrational fear of fire so even not-so-deep frying scares the hell out of me.

But I persevered.

Slowly. The recipe said that the key was to fry slowly at not too high a temperature. I never left the skillets side. I monitored the frying closely; checking and turning and turning and checking. It was working! The chicken was frying to a golden brown and it looked delicious. Mouthwatering. Don’t rush it though. Cook it through.

Finally, after about 30 minutes of prep, 30 minutes of clean up and 30 minutes of s – l – o – w frying, the chicken was done. I couldn’t wait to serve it. I couldn’t wait to take the first crispy bite and when I finally did . . .

. . . it was terrible!

Well, I can’t really even say that it was terrible because, to be terrible, it would have to have a flavour. It had absolutely NO flavour! It looked fantastic but it was boring, tasteless. (I’ve met a few people like that)

There was an hour and a half of my life that I’ll never get back. For nothing.

What’s the moral of the story? Wait for it, we’re not there yet.

I had bought these chicken thighs at Costco so you know I had about 40 left in the freezer. A few days later, I took out another four thighs. I wasn’t even sure what I was going to do with them. I had no plan.

And with no plan, the chicken defrosted in the fridge just waiting it’s turn to be the choice for the evening. I put it off as long as I could but finally we were out of time. It was either cook them or throw them out. And I wasn’t going to throw out perfectly good chicken.

So it was about ten in the evening and, plan or no plan, I pulled the chicken out of the fridge. It was late and I was lazy so I just put some salt and pepper on them, pan fried them for a bit – just until they got brown – put them in a casserole dish and threw them in the oven for 30 minutes.

When they were done, I packed them up and put them in the fridge. I would have them for breakfast tomorrow morning.

Breakfast for dinner is great but dinner for breakfast is even better!

Tomorrow morning came and there was no chicken in the fridge. Where did it go? I was sure I had put it on the second shelf. Maybe someone moved it while looking for something else. I checked every shelf and drawer. I was truly perplexed.

I finally found the dish that I put it in – it was washed and put back into the cupboard. But everyone in the house was still in bed – what happened to the chicken?

Finally, my boyfriend makes his way downstairs and I ask:

I put some chicken in the fridge last night, did you see it?

He said:

“Yeah!

Your daughter and I bumped into each other at the fridge at two o’clock in the morning; she had two pieces and I had two pieces. It was outstanding!

About 5 hours later, when my daughter finally emerged from her room, she corroborated the story and said:

I don’t know what you did mom but you have to make that again!

And there it is. Have you figured out the moral of the story?

Stop trying so hard.

Sometimes all you need to spice up your life is a little salt and pepper!

Note: this story is 100% mine and 100% true!

6 retirement savings tips you may not have thought of

babs — Fri, 13 Jul 2018 03:33:02 GMT

I recently wrote about the problem with retirement calculators and it really got me thinking about how much I have saved (or not saved!) for my future. It’s not like I don’t think about saving but it seems like it always gets put on the back burner.

Twice now, in the last 10 years, I’ve gotten a part time job to earn more money. The hope was to continue to enjoy the lifestyle I’m accustomed to and now have some money left to put away at the end of the month. But even with the extra income, there was still always more month than there was money.

It got to the point where the extra money wasn’t worth the extra work.

Then, one night, we were listening to a radio show in the car (not my idea – I like music but when the BF is driving – it’s usually talk radio). It was a show on retirement saving and the “expert” said that most people think that making more money is the only way to save for retirement but saving more money is the real answer.

I thought to myself “wow! What a powerful statement!”

So powerful that I am going to repeat it:

most people think that making more money is the only way to save for retirement but saving more money is the real answer

For once, I agree with the “expert”!

It’s common knowledge that the more you earn, the more you spend. If you make $50,000 per year, you will live in a certain type of house and live a certain type of lifestyle. It stands to reason that if you were to double your income; chances are you would double the house you’re living in and double your lifestyle.

But there is very little chance that you would double your saving.

I’m talking about the average person here. There are those who maintain a middle class lifestyle even as their income rises and, nine times out of ten, it’s the wealthy people doing this. That’s why they’re wealthy!!

So let’s look at a few ways that you can maximize your saving instead of killing yourself early trying to earn more:

Paying off your debt should be your first priority. Yes, first even before saving because eliminating debt is part of the savings plan. Don’t listen to me, look at the numbers. RRSP investments – even the really good ones – are not paying you 22% annual returns. But your credit cards are charging you that much or more in interest. It just doesn’t make sense to pay more interest than your earning in interest. In fact, it’s just common cents. (see what I did there)

Pay off all consumer debt as soon as possible and then take those payments to start building your savings.

Get creative – paying off your debt isn’t just about making monthly payments. Can you do a balance transfer to get a lower interest rate? Can you refinance your mortgage to absorb some of the debt (again, at a lower interest rate)? Can you consolidate your debt into a lower interest loan? Reducing the interest rate on your credit means more of your monthly payment will be applied to the balance owing.

Pay yourself first. Uuuugh! I knew this rule when I was 22 years old – why didn’t I do it! It’s not too late to start though – pick an amount that is reasonable* and start putting it away now. Weekly, bi-weekly or monthly. NO exceptions. Make sure to put it somewhere that it is not easy to get to. You may not want to lock it but put it in a place where getting it out is just complicated enough to make you re-think the withdrawal.

*Note that I used the word “reasonable”. Don’t set your savings goal so high that you can’t reach it. This will only frustrate you and increase your chances of giving up altogether.

Your home can be part of your retirement savings. Paying off a mortgage will benefit whether you stay there or not. If you stay; your monthly living expenses are significantly less. If you choose to sell – whether to downsize, move to a rental or move to a location where the cost of living is much less – the equity in your home has now become part of your retirement savings.

I also like that, because it’s your principle residence that you’re selling, you pay no tax on the money you have made due to the increase in value of your home (your investment). This is unlike cashing in RRSP’s or selling a secondary property – an investment property or perhaps a cottage – where deferred taxes need to be paid.

Live below your means. Living high now could cost you later. Of course, we all want to have all of the perks in life while we’re young enough to enjoy it but what if you’re one of the fortunate folks that lives until your nineties. You need to make choices today to ensure a good quality of life in the future. And it doesn’t take much; no one is telling you that you can’t enjoy life today but it’s about balance.

Do I really need that mani/pedi? Perhaps it’s a McDonalds coffee today instead of a Starbucks Latte. Cut back on how often you eat out. Go for a hike instead of to the mall (where you will most definitely buy something you do not need).

Open a savings account and, every time you choose to do something that saves just a little bit of money, put that amount in the account. It will add up surprisingly quickly.

RRSPs aren’t the only way to save for retirement. In Canada, we now have the wonderful TFSA (tax free savings account). The TFSA allows the same benefit as RRSP’s in that you do not have to pay taxes on the growth of your money but, unlike an RRSP, you don’t have to pay tax when you withdraw from a TFSA.

On the flip side though, you don’t get a tax deduction for contributing to a TFSA the way you do with RRSP contributions. Taxes will never go away, you just need to choose when you’re going to pay them. (Sad but true)

The downside to the TFSA that I’ve found is that, because it’s so easy to get to the money, I have used it often when an unexpected expense has come up. I always mean to put the money back but . . .

Last, but it should probably be first because it’s that important. PLAN!

I’ve found that since I turned 50 years old, I think about my future a lot. Too much. I worry a lot too. Like constantly. But thinking and worrying about your future and planning for it are not the same thing.

Plan on paper. Plan with real numbers and real goals and set the plan in motion to reach those goals. And don’t just put the plan in a drawer and forget about it. Check in on your progress every year and adjust when things change if you need to.

I hope that some of this has been helpful, even if all it’s done is gotten you to start thinking – and planning. I’m certainly going to get my plan out of my head and on to paper ASAP so I can spend more time living and less time worrying about living.

It’s important to say now (mostly so that you can’t sue me for anything) that I am NOT a financial professional or an advisor. I am just a regular 50+ person like you who wants to look to the future and know that maybe, if I do a little planning, some of the worry will go away.

laughter is the best medicine

babs — Mon, 02 Jul 2018 14:58:52 GMT

Does anybody remember Readers Digest? It’s in just about every waiting room out there – the doctor’s office, the dentist’s office, the car mechanics shop.

The Reader’s Digest is the first thing I look for when I’m in a waiting room anywhere. I don’t always have time to read the “Drama in Real Life” but “Laughter is the best Medecine” is always the first page I look for.

Little did they know in 1922 – the year that that Reader’s Digest was founded – that they were really on to something. They had actually discovered a natural vaccine on par with the discovery of Penicillin.

We all love to laugh. It makes us feel good, that’s a given. But there is also scientific proof that laughter can help to maintain good physical and mental health.

Laughing naturally releases endorphins in the brain and it’s been said that these endorphins induce a euphoria similar to the high you can get from a drug like Heroin – without all of the nasty side effects like destroying your life.

Laughter also relieves stress and anxiety. Have you ever heard of “nervous laughter”? This is when you start laughing in a situation where laughter is not appropriate – for example, laughing at a funeral.

The theory is that when we are at risk of being overwhelmed by our emotions, expressing the opposite emotion can help us cope and restore emotional balance. The same theory applies to crying at a wedding.

I am definitely a stress laugher; especially at work. I’ve even pissed off the occasional client and/or manager because it looks like I’m not taking the situation seriously. But the reality is that I am taking the situation so seriously that I need to reach out to my trusted coping mechanism in order to calm down and begin to think clearly.

Remember this the next time you scowl at the class clown in the board room. This person may not be the buffoon you think he is and that this reaction may be necessary in order to become productive. Of course, it could also mean that he is just a buffoon – it’s a tough call sometimes.

Laughter also plays a role in your social life and your relationships. We all know that it’s the funny guy or gal that everyone is drawn to. It’s human nature to want to feel good and be happy. No one purposely seeks out the Downer in the crowd. I challenge you to find a eulogy out there that doesn’t include something along the lines of “it’s his/her sense of humour that we will miss the most”.

I have to tell you that I know a number of Downers (I did not seek them out, they are a part of my life against my will) and I can tell you without a doubt that the Downers hate the folks with a great sense of humour – let’s call them the “Uppers”.

They hate them because they easily draw people away from their “Downer” club. Downers have to work hard to suck people in whereas Uppers don’t have to work at it at all. And Downers only flourish when they are dragging others down with them.

Okay. So laughing is great for physical, mental and emotional health and for society as a whole.

So why aren’t we laughing anymore?

Society is so angry and stressed now that the laughing has stopped. Could this be the reason for the dramatic increase in depression? Again, I have no real research to back me up but common sense tells me that, with the warped sense of priorities in society right now, the opportunities for laughter are fading.

Oh sure, we laugh but is it healthy laughter? Or is it stress laughter?

President Donald Trump has produced a wealth of material for comedians everywhere but are we just laughing to avoid looking at the real truth? That this man may very well destroy America and every other country associated with them? (I am referring to my own country – Canada) This is not funny.

We laugh at the “first world problems” of the Hiltons, the Kardashians and the Real Housewives of Atlanta but is this laughter productive? I don’t even know why people laugh, they aren’t funny. They just make you feel better knowing that their lives sometimes suck too. Again, this is not funny.

We spend a lot of time laughing AT each other now when we should be laughing WITH each other.

There is a wealth of reality shows on TV now that are designed to create controversy, competition and anger. I don’t watch them; I find no entertainment value in them at all. I like the old fashioned situation comedy. Nobody ever screamed at their TV during an episode of “Jerry Seinfeld” or “Friends”.

And the poor kids! Major depression among teens in the U.S. has jumped 37% in the last decade. That is a real statistic by the way; I didn’t make it up. You don’t need studies to tell you why, you just need to look at what society expects today. Kids today have so much more than just peer pressure now.

The kids are cracking and turning to sex, drugs and alcohol at younger and younger ages just to cope.

We tell them that they need to know what profession they will follow by the age of 15 and that a degree is no longer enough; a Masters Degree is the only way to get that great job anymore.

And then we tell them that there probably won’t be any jobs anyway but go ahead and incur tens of thousands of dollars in educational debt before your thirty years old anyway.

Oh, and by the way, you probably won’t have to pay it back because the world will destroy itself with nuclear bombs before that.

And since you essentially don’t have a future to look forward to, feel free to kill yourself early with the crap food we are marketing to you and the sedentary life we have created for you.

My personal prediction is that we are on the road to a rebellion similar to the flower children of the sixties. Unfortunately, these drugged out children will have guns instead of flowers.

Oh dear. This post has taken a bit of a dark turn but that happens sometimes. I start to write with one intention but it morphs into something else. I am compelled to follow what the fingers tell me I want to say.

I guess what I really want to say is that we need to find and create opportunities to laugh more. We need to help ourselves and our kids. We need to get funny!

We need more laughter in our lives.

Laughter can heal, laughter can motivate and laughter can create change.

It’s really hard to aim a gun when you’re laughing.

dinner with a stranger

babs — Fri, 15 Jun 2018 01:54:45 GMT

Autumn 2017. It had been a while since my BF and I had spent any quality time together. It was an exceptionally busy summer for both of us with our work. I was travelling so much and he was working evenings and weekends.

We were ships passing in the night – morning, noon and night in fact.

That’s why it was so great when we finally had a Saturday where both of us were free as a bird and we could get some quality time together. It was just a day but a day that we could drive up to our favourite outlet mall and enjoy dinner at this new little bistro recommended to us by our pet store guy.

Yes. We have a “pet store guy”. He owns this little independent pet store in our town and we much prefer to give our business to him than the big box pet store.

We were there the night before to get dog food for our “Angel” and told him where we were heading. He said that we just HAD to try out this great restaurant that was not too far from the outlet stores.

We had a little trouble finding it – it really is a very LITTLE bistro – but, after driving past it twice, we finally made it. We parked in the back where another car had just arrived and was parking also. We got out of the car and so did the woman in the other car.

Nobody got out of the passenger side of her car.

As always, my BF gets to chatting with this older woman on the way to the front of the restaurant. I could hear some of the conversation. Apparently she had been dying to try this restaurant for ages but didn’t make it before her husband passed a couple years ago. And since none of her kids had been home in a while she decided to go to dinner by herself.

“I don’t have much time left to wait for a date now do I” she said.

Her chuckle was genuine; she wasn’t looking for sympathy. I was impressed with her. It’s something I would do. Hell, it’s something I’ve done. Read “learn to enjoy your own company”.

So I’m first in the door and the hostess asks “how many”. I’m just about to say two when I hear my boyfriend say from behind me:

Table for 3

What? I looked at him, very confused, and he pointed his eyes toward the woman that we walked in with.

What! I said again. But this time it was a statement and not a question because I already knew the answer. He had invited this woman to join us for dinner!

I looked at her and she was smiling so brightly; she appeared so delighted. I looked at my BF and his eyes were begging me not to make a scene. Well, of course I wasn’t going to make a scene. I mean, what the hell could I say? But I was NOT happy.

We hadn’t been out for dinner in months and, even before that, our dinners out never included linen napkins. We finally got some time together at a romantic bistro on a cool autumn evening and we are asking for a

Table for 3 please

Not happy was an understatement, I was pissed. And when the waitress came, I didn’t order a glass of wine – I ordered a whole bottle. He was going to pay for this – literally. He just smiled as they uncorked the bottle; he knew.

I barely spoke for the first 20 minutes but that didn’t stop the woman (damned if I can remember her name) and my BF. He kept asking her questions and she was happy to tell her stories. She was fascinating. She was in her late seventies and had lived a very interesting life.

We got to hear about how she met her husband; how they emigrated to Canada from England; the challenge of raising six kids and how successful they have become. She beamed when she talked about her kids; she was so proud.

And then we got to hear how her husband passed and her kids moved away. And that she doesn’t resent her kids because they need to live their own lives. She gets to see them (and the grandkids) every now and then.

On and on she went. It was like she hadn’t spoken to anyone at length for a very long time.

She was sweet and funny and, I don’t know if it was the wine but, my heart just went out to her. I now felt horrible for being upset with the whole “table for three” thing. I imagined that, one day, I could very well be in her shoes and how nice it would be to get invited out for dinner.

I decided then and there that I was going to invite an old person out for dinner once a week! But that was definitely the wine talking.

Then I looked at my BF and felt like a class “A” shit! I remembered, at that moment, why I love him. He just couldn’t bring himself to watch this older woman be seated at a table by herself and he was willing to pay whatever price he had to pay to not have that happen.

Dinner was outstanding. The best food I think I’ve ever had – before or since. And little, extra touches that made it special. There was a complimentary canapé to start (three little canapés on a long tray; one for each of us) And then a little palette cleansing sherbet ball (one for each of us) before the entrée was served. I’d never seen that before, it was pretty cool. And dessert was to die for.

The dinner ended and we walked her to her car. Her thanks was genuine and it was followed with a hug that I will never forget. I don’t know who got more out of that dinner – her or me. My BF was just being himself and didn’t think anything of it but he did a good thing that night.

I would be remiss if I didn’t give a shout out to the restaurant but I have to tell you that I am not getting paid to – not even with a dinner. The restaurant is called “bistro seven seven” in Alliston, Ontario. Check it out if you’re ever in the area.

By the way, I almost never have dessert but, even though I wound up enjoying myself, he still had to pay.

Note: this actually happened.

boxed wine and doritos

babs — Fri, 11 May 2018 20:46:49 GMT

Marketers will always try to tell us that we need the next new thing.

Apparently my refrigerator is obsolete because it doesn’t have a separate temperature gauge for my celery.

And have you heard? Stainless steel is on its way out! Grey is the new “gotta have” colour for appliances. I wonder how many people will now be replacing perfectly good appliances for this new fashion colour?

Film and TV stars try to tell us that we can feel like we’re living the good life just as they are if we would just purchase this new fancy thing.

If Matthew McConaughey is endorsing the Lincoln then, surely to goodness, it must be a great car and I will look just as cool as he does driving it. Let’s not forget the fact that he likely got that Lincoln for free and I would say any FREE car is a great car.

Celebrities and sports legends are trying to get kids to spend $250 (and more!) on a pair of running shoes.

The kids don’t even call them “running shoes” anymore. Today, you want to buy a pair of “Converse”, “Vans” or “Nike’s”. Do you know what we called running shoes when I was a kid? We called them “running shoes”!

Sofia Vergara has a line of jewelery, a perfume and a clothing line. As if wearing any of these brands will make you look or live like Sofia Vergara!

I’m not fancy. I didn’t grow up fancy. I have no desire to be fancy. Don’t shame me for not wanting to be fancy.

I don’t even have one of those coffee makers that uses the fancy pods. I drink instant coffee! Yes, you heard me. Instant.

I started drinking coffee in college and it was vending machine coffee. Trust me, instant coffee is a step up. But when I offered a coffee to someone in my home once; they accepted until they found out it was instant.

“Oh, just a water then, please.”

I was so embarrassed. But why should I be embarrassed? I like instant coffee!

Confession time – after that day, I went out and bought a French Press and some ground coffee so I could offer “fancy” coffee to guests. I still like my instant coffee but I will keep that to myself.

I don’t care what tag is on my jeans or if my winter coat is the style of the season. I’m happy with my Old Navy leggings and the ten dollar t-shirt I got at Wegman’s in Buffalo.

The funny thing is that even the low cost clothing is branded now. So, even if you aren’t fancy and want to buy your clothes at Walmart or Loblaws, you are wearing the Walmart brand “George” or the Loblaws brand “Joe Fresh”. They don’t cost as much but you’re still wearing “designer” clothing.

Even food has gotten fancy!

I Googled “quick mid-week meals” on the internet and you know what I got?

Spaghetti with Mascarpone, Meyer Lemon, Spinach and Hazelnuts,
Quick Tomato, Basil and Sumac Gozleme
Pizza pissaladiere

WTF!

How about “Spaghetti and Meatballs”, “Grilled Cheese and Tomato Soup” or the ever classic “Breakfast for Dinner”.

Actually, the “Quick Tomato, Basil and Sumac Gozleme” looked really good and I might try that recipe. But I have to find the spice “Sumac”. It isn’t one of the seven spices I have in my repertoire which currently includes salt, pepper, oregano, basil, thyme, paprika and chili powder. Even my spice cupboard isn’t fancy.

I’m lying. I have more spices than that but all of the rest are in the “spent too much money on it and only used it once” cupboard. This is the cupboard that I suspect the “Sumac” will land in.

I am so tired of fancy. I tried it for a while but it’s a lot of work and it costs a fortune. I don’t want to be that person who just works to get the next new fancy thing. I can only speak for myself but I don’t think that “fancy” makes you happy. Fancy didn’t make me happy.

My BF keeps telling me to upgrade my car but I LOVE my 2011 Santa Fe.

Ever since I started working at home, my business attire has become yoga pants and a t-shirt (and, occasionally, a bra).

And my favourite jewellery is my 20-year old Mickey Mouse watch.

Being fancy is too hard. I have much better things to spend my time and money on. I would rather be interesting than fancy.

I feel that this is an important part of “me” that you need to know if you are going to be my friend. I will not judge you if you choose to be “fancy”. There are a lot of people that are comfortable in that world. I, however, am not. So please don’t judge me for NOT being “fancy”.

There is no reason that we can’t be friends, we are just a bit different. I will come to your house for champagne and caviar but when I invite you to my place for a visit; you’ll get something much closer to boxed wine and Doritos.

But we will have fun and the evening will be interesting.

stop blaming everyone else

babs — Sat, 28 Apr 2018 03:29:43 GMT

Do you want to know one of my biggest pet peeves? People who constantly blame someone or something else for the state of their life.

Things didn’t work out the way they wanted so, instead of taking responsibility, they start to blame everyone but themselves for how their life unfolded.

Some people even carry this blame around for years. Saving it in their back pocket, ready to pull it out whenever something else doesn’t go their way. Ten years on and they’re still blaming the ex-girlfriend that racked up their credit cards and then left with their best friend. She’s the reason their life sucks now?

These people frustrate the hell out of me.

If you’re 50+ years old and you’re still blaming everyone else for the state of your life, I have no sympathy for you. NONE. Get over it. Whether you’re wildly successful or still stuck, your lot in life is your fault.

You can’t blame other people for where your life has taken you.

You know the people that I’m talking about. The ones that are constantly saying;

If my wife hadn’t talked me out of that business opportunity . . .

If my ex-husband hadn’t spent all of our money . . .

If I hadn’t lost my job . . .

The ones that take an event and give it the power to derail their lives.

If my husband hadn’t passed away . . .

If I didn’t get sick . . .

The blaming is endless – one day it’s their mother-in-law that ruined their life; the next day it’s the government who’s against them. And when there isn’t anyone else left to blame, there is always God. God is easy to blame because he doesn’t often show up to defend himself.

It doesn’t matter who or what the blame is directed at, the “dot dot dot” is the same every time:

If only “this” didn’t happen to me – dot dot dot – my life would be so much better now.

Well, I don’t believe that and I’m sick of hearing it.

(yes, I know people like this and, seriously, I am sick of hearing it)

I believe that their life would have been “different” but there is no guarantee that it would have been “better”.

Maybe that business opportunity would have worked out but you had to put so much time and energy into it that your marriage crumbled and you lost your family.

Maybe getting sick prevented you from dying.

Maybe what looks like an obstacle is actually an opportunity.

Maybe the “better” was yet to come but they never found that out because they couldn’t get past the “if only . . .”.

Sitting and wallowing in what could have been keeps them from moving forward.

Don’t come to me with a problem, come to me with a solution

People that choose to remain in the state of “if only . . .” are just presenting the problem over and over again without looking for a solution. The solution is in how you move forward but these people don’t know how to move forward and, more often than not, they are afraid to move forward.

They’re afraid because, if they move forward and fail, they would have to blame themselves. They would have to take responsibility which is hard. It’s so much easier just to blame someone else. By putting the responsibility for their life on someone else, they become the victim. People sympathize with the victim.

Are you a victim or a survivor?

I would rather be a survivor. People sympathize with the victim but I admire and respect the people that overcome adversity. The ones who rise above what life throws at them. The survivors.

My story

I lost my job 6 weeks after I split up with my husband. I couldn’t believe it. I had never lost a job in my life. And now, here I was, on my own with two kids facing the possibility of no income and no spouse to pick up the slack.

All of my savings (and some credit) had been spent on setting up a new household and soon there would be no money coming in.

Did I feel sorry for myself? Of course I did! For exactly one day. I bought a bottle of wine (a cheap bottle), sat on the couch and allowed myself to wallow in self-pity. I cried. I was afraid. I was angry. I was certain that there were other people that should have been let go before me. Why me? Why now?

I allowed myself that one day of self-pity then I picked myself up, dusted myself off and kicked my ass into gear.

I could waste my time blaming my boss or my co-workers or God or the universe for the position that I found myself in but that wasn’t going to get me a new job. You can’t blame people or events – not even events that are not in your control – because how you react or move forward from that event is all on you.

I knew that what happened next was entirely up to me. It was up to me and how I managed this event.

By the way, I managed to get a new (better) job before my five weeks severance was even over and I didn’t end up with any time that there wasn’t money coming in.

Now, I know my story isn’t so inspiring. People lose jobs every day. I’m not special. I did what had to be done because there was no one else who was going to do it for me.

But, even if nobody else thought so, I felt like a survivor! A survivor instead of a victim of my circumstance.

Don’t be a victim of your circumstance

There are much better stories of people that overcame insurmountable odds and unthinkable tragedies. These are the real survivors. The ones that took the cards that they were dealt and, instead of folding and walking away from the table, they chose to play anyway.

You can Google these inspirational stories but, if you’re interested, I’ve posted links below to some of my favourites. Take some time to watch them if you need the inspiration. I do it every now and then when I think the world is against me.

And, please, if you have a story of inspiration, please share in the comments below. You can never have too much inspiration.

Nick Vujicic – No arms, no legs – no worries!

Arthur Boorman – Never, Ever Give Up

Tara Storch – Turning the loss of her daughter into a source of inspiration

Lisa Nichols – Find Your Way Back

why my busyness made me miserable

babs — Sat, 21 Apr 2018 16:15:24 GMT

Busyness.

I love this word! And, yes, it is a word. It’s even in the dictionary.

Busyness
[biz-ee-nis] noun
1. The quality or condition of being busy
2. Lively but meaningless activity

The first definition is simple enough to understand:

The quality or condition of being busy

Sure. We all get busy with things to do, whether it’s for work or family or even pleasure. But don’t you think that sometimes our “busy” is kind of superficial? (probably more than sometimes)

This is where the second definition of “busyness” comes in. It’s so true and such an appropriate word for the way society today views time spent.

Lively but meaningless activity

It’s interesting how much we admire our own busyness. We feel proud and important. We love to tell others how busy we are. I think society has put an unusual amount of importance on being busy. So much so that, when we’re not busy, we invent things that make it seem like we are busy. We create “lively but meaningless activity”.

Society even took away the only excuse we had to not be busy when they opened retail on Sundays. If you’re 50-plus, you remember when everything was closed on Sundays. Sunday was the day for family, friends and faith. It was our day of rest.

But society and retailers took away our day of rest and now we struggle to fill another day with busyness.

I’m sorry but I’m just too busy today

How many times have you heard someone say that they are busy; so busy; much too busy to get out for lunch or a coffee.

I always like to ask them what they are busy with; it really throws them for a minute. Invariably they come back with a laundry list of things that they have on their to-do list but, nine times out of ten, there is nothing on that list that I would give up lunch for.

Well . . . I can say that now but there was a time when I was just like them.

I had my own love affair with busyness until I finally realized that busyness doesn’t make you happy. In fact, it made me miserable.

Let me tell you why

I used to wake up every Saturday morning; make my coffee and sit down to make my to-do list for the weekend. This was my routine. I loved my list because, as I went about my day, I could strike off the things that I got done. Every strike made me feel so good that I was accomplishing something.

And my list was the epitome of busyness. It included things like

pick up dry cleaning and
return the waffle iron*

which is fine, those are maybe legitimate things that need to get done.

*the waffle iron that I bought but didn’t need when I was keeping myself busy at the outlet mall

But then my list started to include things like

organize plastic container cupboard
go through pictures

And, just in case there wasn’t enough, I would add chores to the list. Things like

laundry
clean upstairs bathroom
clean downstairs bathroom
vacuum bedrooms
vacuum stairs . . .

Yes, I would itemize my cleaning. Who itemizes their cleaning? Seriously, who does that? I did!

I did because it felt SO good to strike stuff off my list. The more I had on the list, the more opportunities I had to strike stuff off. Oh, how I loved my orange highlighter!

My mood, however, would drastically change on Sunday night when I looked at my list. You see, I always put more on the list than it was even possible to complete in two days.

Especially if I wanted to fit in any pleasure or social time.

When I looked at my list on Sunday evening, instead of being happy at what I accomplished, all I saw was what I didn’t get done. So I would start to beat myself up for not getting more done. What I didn’t get done even overshadowed any social activities I enjoyed on the weekend.

I could rationalize in my head that visiting my mom or going to a movie with my friend was more important or more fun but, at the end of the day, all I could see was the list with not enough items crossed off with orange highlighter.

I finally realized that my “busyness” was having a very negative impact on my quality of life and the only way to fix it was to stop the insanity. Stop the busyness. Stop making the to-do list completely.

It wasn’t easy to break up with busyness

I felt kind of lost without my list for the first couple weekends which is really sad and shows how much my busyness controlled me. I sat with my coffee on Saturday morning and pondered my day; congratulating myself on not making a list when I knew full well that I was making the list in my head.

So the list was still there, it just moved from the paper to my head. My behaviour didn’t actually change until I started to notice that there was no satisfaction with the list in my head. There was no satisfaction because I couldn’t physically strike things off. The rush came from striking things off the list. So, without the rush, what was the point of the list.

That’s when I was really able to let go

I still have things that need to be done but the pressure is gone. I get done what I get done and the rest will wait for another day.

This new way of thinking was a paradigm shift for me and, as hard as it was, breaking the busyness habit was the best thing I did for myself.

I am much happier and less stressed now and I’ve even taken back my day of rest! I try very hard not to do any errands or chores on Sundays. I leave Sundays for relaxing activities like visiting, long walks, bike rides or maybe a movie.

But, no pressure. Doing nothing is a perfectly acceptable “activity” too.

Have you struggled with busyness? Share your story in the comments. Your insights may help someone else who is also struggling.

mourning those who will not see 50

babs — Wed, 11 Apr 2018 00:25:36 GMT

It seems inappropriate to write something funny or flippant today. The Humboldt Broncos bus crash in Saskatchewan is what’s on everyone’s mind and in our hearts.

Fifteen people killed – eleven of them under 21 years old – and 14 other young men under 21 whose lives are now on hold. The road to recovery will be long and their lives forever changed.

It’s always sad when we lose a young person no matter the reason but losing eleven young people in one moment is heart wrenching. We are mourning the lives lost but also the lives of the people they may have touched or created if they had had the chance to live to 50 years old.

Among these young men, there may have been another Wayne Gretzky or Sidney Crosby – set to inspire millions of kids.

Some may have gotten hockey scholarships that allowed them to study and become great doctors or scientists. Who knows what contributions they would have made.

Some may have taken their love of the game into coaching, influencing another generation the same way that their coaches did. The coaches that were, sadly, also lost in the crash.

Many would have married and had children that we will now never meet.

Big brothers won’t be there for their little sisters first heartbreak.

Uncles won’t get to babysit their nieces and nephews.

Sons won’t get to toast their parents’s 50th wedding anniversary . . . or their own.

The loss of young lives alter the future because the impact of their potential will never be realized. And this just adds weight to the pain.

So today we mourn. We mourn the loss of these young men and all of the young people that never got to see 50.

stop cyber junk mail!

babs — Fri, 30 Mar 2018 01:33:40 GMT

At this very moment, I have over 200 emails from over 23 retailers in my email inbox.

And I just cleaned it out not too long ago!

Why so many?

Because, every time I check out at a retailer, part of the process now is that they ask for my email address. It’s become the new up-sell.

They sell me on the fact that they will send me special promotions and coupons – just for me! Or next week’s flyer one day early or pre-notification of upcoming sales or events.

Oh! And if I log into (give my email address) this website and rate them, I could get 20% off my next purchase!

And, of course, every time you make a purchase or fill out a form online, they don’t let you complete and submit until you give your email address.

Now, I know that the internet is a big part of marketing these days but it’s just crazy. They call it “spam” but it’s junk mail and it’s out of control!

They just need to get in the door (get your email) and then the flood gates open.

Does anyone remember “Land Shark” from Saturday Night Live? . . . when it was good!

I keep deleting them but they keep sending them. I can’t keep up. I don’t even look at 90% of them. Hell, I don’t even know how some of them even got my email address!

Here is a sampling (and it’s not even all of them!):

Online Flyers

Shoppers Drug Mart
Staples
M&M Food Market

I keep thinking that I’ll look at them but I don’t look at the flyers that come with my local paper – what makes me think I will look at them online!

I bought something at the store once – twice maybe

Reitmans
Melanie Lynn
Bouclair
Evolution Cycles
La-Z-Boy
The Brick

They emailed my receipt to me (which is really cool BTW)

Best Buy
Sport Check

I bought something online once – maybe twice from Amazon

Amazon
Ticketmaster
SoftMoc

Not sure but my daughter may have purchased something using my email address

Under Armour
Workout Empire

I have no idea how they got my email address

VacationsToGo – maybe a contest form at the home show?
Cruise Ship Centers – wow, I must really need a vacation
Sierra Trading Post – I don’t remember ever being in this store – real or online
The Chopra Center – I frequent this website but I can’t remember any reason why I would have given my email address.

Random

Ebates – I thought it was a good idea but then I couldn’t figure out how to use it
Yconic – looking up scholarship opportunities for my son – 3 years ago!
Wynn Fitness – We broke up but I guess they haven’t accepted it
407 ETR – seriously?

So I count 23. Twenty-three retailers that I receive emails from that I do not want and do not read. Time to sit down and do some “unsubscribing”.

Unsubscribe – Remove yourself from a mailing list (or emailing list) where an individual or organization sends material regularly to multiple recipients

How to “Unsubscribe” (just in case you’re not sure)

Open the email and scroll to the very bottom. Look for a very tiny link that says “unsubscribe”. Legally, they have to have an “unsubscribe” button but they don’t want to make it easy for you to find so it may be hidden within a bunch of other copy. Keep looking.

Then just click the “unsubscribe” link. Some sites may ask you why you’re unsubscribing so just click something because “it’s annoying” is never on the list of answer options.

Voila! Done. Aaaah! I feel lighter already!

Image courtesy of Stuart Miles at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

wrinkles are a sign of life!

babs — Sat, 24 Mar 2018 00:07:10 GMT

I’m 53 years old now and, although the skin on my cheekbones is falling fast, morphing into lovely jowls, I only have one wrinkle.

Yup! Just one.

But it’s a great wrinkle! It’s right between my eyes, closer to left than the right. It’s about an inch long and it’s deep!

I never thought about it much, it’s just a part of my face, until I went to one of those aesthetic spas a while back.

I had won a $300 gift certificate and thought I would check it out. I was excited until I saw the treatment programs and prices and realized that $300 wouldn’t buy more than one laser treatment on one armpit.

But I was already there so I thought I would at least do the free consultation.

Wow! Talk about depressing. There was a lot that this woman was suggesting I could have done to look younger, healthier, plumpier (is that a word?) and all around “better”.

A chemical peel to improve skin tone and texture or some microdermabrasion to remove the dead skin cells to reveal a refreshed and rejuvenated look.

Of course, laser hair removal is always popular. Admittedly, it would be nice not to shave or wax anymore but it was a costly investment.

And then the overly plucked, puffy-faced woman zeroed in on my wrinkle. She seemed fascinated (dare I say, even excited) by my wrinkle. It must have stood out as a veritable gold mine to her. This was not a one treatment wrinkle, it was an entire project!

She started telling about the treatments I could consider like Botox injections and Dermal fillers. She explained that these treatments are designed to plump up the skin around and behind the wrinkle essentially filling them in from the inside.

They would give my face a full, youthful appearance.

But wait.

I said.

I don’t want to get rid of my wrinkle.

She looked at me blankly. Of course, there was probably so much Botox in her face that, even if she had a reaction, it wasn’t going to show.

I said it again,

I don’t want to get rid of my wrinkle.

I explained that I was proud of my wrinkle. I worked hard for that wrinkle. I got that wrinkle the year my marriage ended and it represented everything I went through. That wrinkle was built with pain, guilt and fear. It was filled with tears and triumph.

I hadn’t realized the connection I had to this wrinkle until just that moment. It was a battle scar and every time I see it, I am reminded of that time of my life. That journey.

She totally didn’t get it. Maybe she was too young to get it.

Wrinkles are a sign of life!

Crow’s feet at the sides of your eyes mean that you have been amazed or shocked. You’ve cried or winced in pain.

Frown lines mean that you have experienced sadness and pain.

And laugh lines mean that you have laughed!

Wrinkles tell a story. They represent the many experiences in your life that brought emotions so high that they left a mark.

They are your battle scars. Wear them proudly.

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the problem with retirement calculators

babs — Fri, 16 Mar 2018 21:31:33 GMT

I just used the “retirement calculator” on my banking website and I almost had a heart attack!

I input the information requested – my age, my current salary and what I already have saved for retirement – and with the click of a button, it tells me:

to retire at 65 with your desired income would require saving $5,719 a month

Bwahhahaahah! I need to save how much per month? $5,719?

Seriously!?

Bwahhahaahah!

To be clear, I am laughing because if I don’t, I think that I will surely cry. I don’t even make that much per month, how the hell am I supposed to save that!

And then it goes on to say that they’re “ready to help me get started”.

Really? Are they ready to help me search for $5,719 a month? Because I sure don’t see it anywhere. Maybe they will help me find a money tree. Or maybe I can ask my kids – they seem to think that I have a money tree somewhere.

So I try another calculator. It doesn’t have good news either. In fact, this one was very specific. It calculated my retirement savings goal as $1,351,151.

Holy crap!

I have some money tucked away but it’s a far cry from what this site says “my goal” is. How the heck am I going to save that kind of money? I would like to retire before I’m a hundred years old!

I think the even bigger question is – how did it come up with that number? Again, it only asked me three questions.

At this point, I’m panicking. Nothing creates panic quite the way the internet does. Am I right?

I’m Googling and Googling and Googling; praying that I will find someone to make me feel better.

And, after several hours surfing around the internet, I learned a few things that I found helpful. As always, I like to share.

First of all. Retirement calculators use algorithms (that’s math) based on assumptions. They take a few pieces of real information and then proceed to input answers to questions that are impossible to answer right now.

Questions like: my life expectancy; my expected retirement expenses; my investment return.

Long story short; they’re guessing.

Of course, you can cut down on the assumptions by giving more information. The more information you provide – the less information the calculator will have to assume.

Keep in mind though, if you’re asked to enter what you believe your investment return will be for the next 10 – 20 years (or other questions that are impossible to answer right now), you are assuming (guessing) just as much as the calculator is.

Second of all. What goes in comes out. This means that if you make a mistake on the input, the output will be incorrect also and that could mean the difference between comfortable golden years or donning a McDonalds cap at 70 years old – would you like Geritol with that?

Third of all. There is no magic number. There are just too many variables. The assumptions that the calculator is making are simple math, there is no accounting for your particular scenario.

That ridiculous million dollar number that the calculator spits out at the end of the calculations? (this is my favourite part) It’s NOT real!

It is a fictitious number created using fictitious information and acting and planning based on this fictitious projection is a real mistake.

Finally. A retirement calculator can be a valuable tool if used properly (and by a professional) but it can also be very misleading. One error on the input (the assumptions) could jeopardize your financial security.

So you may ask, as I did

if they are so inaccurate, why use a retirement calculator at all?

Well, my research tells me that the free retirement calculators on the internet are generally put there by banks and other financial institutions and they are there to scare the crap out of you and get you into their office.

And it works! It certainly got me thinking at least.

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Image courtesy of Stuart Miles at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

musical memories – the speeding ticket

babs — Fri, 09 Mar 2018 01:26:04 GMT

Do you ever hear a song and it immediately takes you back to the past? Back to a moment in time?

It brings back the memory so vividly that you can see it, hear it, feel it and maybe even smell it. It could be a happy memory or a sad memory. It may be just a moment or the memory of an entire event.

However big or small, that moment or event is forever connected to that song.

It’s powerful what a piece of music can hold.

I was driving the other day when one of these songs started playing on the radio.

It was the song “Jump” by Van Halen. The memory was instant – taking me back about 30 years. This song will forever be connected to a speeding ticket I got on the back country road between my and my (then) boyfriends house.

I was 21 years old and I was living on my own while in college. Naturally, I was broke so I was still borrowing my mom’s car. (I chose to move out for college instead of buying a car)

This was one of those evenings when I borrowed my mom’s car because my boyfriend’s parents had invited me for dinner. They lived two towns over and the towns were connected with a two lane highway that was more of a country road than a highway.

This would be my first meal with his parents and I was a bit nervous but dinner went well. His parents were pretty down to earth people and they made me feel very welcome. They liked me and I liked them. We had a good time.

We stayed after dinner for a while because it would be rude to just dine and dash but, to be honest, we were a little anxious to leave. After the stress of the build up to this first meal “with the parents”, my boyfriend and I were feeling a little randy.

When the obligatory “after dinner” coffee and chat came to a close; I thanked them very much for inviting me and complimented the meal. Then we got in my mom’s car and left to go back to my place for the remainder of the evening.

As we started out, we looked at each other and we knew what the evening held. Hell, we were young and in love and that’s what you do . . . a lot!

We were driving back along that long country road when the song “Jump” came on the radio. It was one of my favourites and while having just had a great meal and looking forward to dessert; my foot got heavier and heavier as I sang loudly (and completely off key) along with David Lee Roth.

I didn’t even notice how fast I was going.

I didn’t notice but the police sure did. I don’t even know where he came from but it was a country road so I’m sure I wasn’t his first catch today.

I pulled over, rolled down my window and accepted my ticket without an argument.

It got a little awkward when the police officer asked why I was driving so fast. I said something about the first dinner with my potential in-laws and being glad that it was over. It must have sounded cute because the cop chuckled. He chuckled but I still got the ticket.

I ended up marrying that boyfriend and we shared a private chuckle of our own when that song – Jump – was played at our wedding reception.

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8 things I learned from my first job

babs — Sat, 03 Mar 2018 16:36:33 GMT

Do you remember your first job? I do.

I was 15 years old and it was at a restaurant called “The Ponderosa Steakhouse”. It was a weird concept of a restaurant – steak served cafeteria style. It doesn’t exist in Canada anymore but I think it’s still popular in parts of the US.

I was so excited to get the job because my older sister worked there. I idolized my older sister so, if she worked there, it must be cool.

The uniform was hideous. Seriously, it was bad. A red and white button down checked shirt with short bubble sleeves; a wrap-around tan skirt that went down to mid-calf (it was polyester so it stuck to whatever tights or nylons you were wearing) and a matching tan tam (yes, I just said tan tam).

Tam – short for tam-o’-shanter: a cap of Scottish origin, usually made of wool, having a round, flat top that projects all around the head and has a pompon at its center.

Fortunately, the tam didn’t have a pompon but I still struggle to see the Scottish connection to steak. Haggis – yes; Steak – no. Maybe the owner was Scottish. No matter – I’m sure that the uniforms are much less embarrassing now.

The uniform didn’t matter; I was 14 and just so happy to have a job. Any job. I felt so grown up making my own money. I cleared tables and replenished the salad bar earning a whopping $2.15 an hour and I was thrilled.

I learned a lot at my first job and at the two other jobs that I had over my teenage years. They taught me life lessons that can only be learned out in the real world.

Kids today need jobs when they’re teenagers. Did I just say “kids today”? Oh crap! Am I old enough now to use that phrase!

Too many argue that “education comes first” and that the kids should concentrate on school without the distraction of having a job. Or that sports is more important for physical education and to learn about teamwork.

But what about the school of life? They need to learn what it’s like out in the real world and how to deal with it. And they need to learn it early. After all, it’s the real world they will be living in when the schooling is done.

We’ve all been in contact with young people at their first jobs and I think it’s important that we be part of the things that they learn.

I had just such an opportunity a little while ago.

I was at the grocery store and the young lady at the register rang through my entire order while talking socially on the phone. She didn’t even hang up as she took my money.

I just let her do it and, when I was finished, I went directly to the manager. He was very polite as I expressed my frustration and thoughts that this was unacceptable. He agreed and said that he would address it immediately.

I watched as he walked over to this young lady; had her put her register on hold and walked her to his office for a “chat”. I felt terrible! This poor young girl was getting in trouble – possibly even fired. What was the big deal, she’s just a teenager and doesn’t know any better.

But wait! She should know better. And how is she going to learn any better if she isn’t called out. This was basic respect for the customer. At 17 or 18 years old, you should already know basic respect. And if she didn’t know basic respect now; she was about to learn.

She may or may not have lost her job but, either way, she learned an important lesson that day. The kind of lesson you need to learn at your first job so you can carry it forward to future jobs.

I’ve tried to explain the importance of first jobs to my kids over the years but I’m not so sure I got my points across to them. So I will share with you – lucky you! Feel free to use when you need to make a point with your kids or grand kids (or your deadbeat brother-in-law).

8 things you learn from your first job:

First jobs are where you learn what you DON’T want to do for the rest of your life.
You learn to listen and take direction from someone who can fire you. Teachers can’t fail you (anymore) and parents won’t kick you out of the house but a boss WILL fire you if you try that crap on them.
You learn to work alongside all different kinds of people. You can’t whine to your boss to change groups when “Cathy” is being too bossy.
This isn’t allowance – you actually have to do the work to get the money.
There are no participation ribbons. You only get awarded (a raise or a promotion) when it is earned.
You learn time management – you don’t get to come and go as you please and there are consequences for being late or skipping a shift altogether.
Many first jobs require you to work with the general public and you learn one of the most important lessons of all – patience and tolerance.
If you don’t learn patience and tolerance (see above) then you have learned that you shouldn’t work with the general public.

Did I miss anything? Are there lessons you learned at your first job that you want to share? Share in the comments below.

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beware the fine print – even online

babs — Sat, 24 Feb 2018 02:28:12 GMT

Okay. This story is embarrassing.

SO embarrassing that I really don’t want to tell it. But as much as I don’t want the world to know that I could be this stupid, I NEED to tell the story so I can help prevent someone else from making the same mistake.

I’m not saying you’re stupid – that wouldn’t be nice – but you may know people bordering on the stupid persuasion.

Now I’ve done some online shopping and, truth be told, I’m not a fan. Probably because I’ve had my share of surprises – costly surprises. Surprises like not being able to get shipping fees back on returns or having to pay duty on items that I didn’t know were coming from the US.

This blunder was a bit different which is why I didn’t see it coming.

I saw an article somewhere on this supplement. The name of the product is not important and I’m not about to advertise it because I’m certain this scam was no accident. I can say with a fair degree of confidence that I am not the first one to make this blunder and that they are counting on it.

Anyway, on with the story.

So I went to the web site and there was a big banner shouting about the free trial that they were offering. Hmmm. Free trial? There’s no harm in that is there?

Try it Free for 14 days and, if you’re not completely satisfied, just let us know and you don’t pay.

Sounds easy enough.

Of course, the free trial was only for the product, not the shipping and handling, but the cost for shipping and handling was only 3 or 4 bucks. A small price to pay to check out this interesting product.

So off I go and order the product and input my Visa information.

The product arrived a couple of weeks ago but I haven’t had a chance to try it yet. I wound up sick and on medication and I didn’t want to start these supplements until I was better which is today – the day I am writing this post.

This is also the day I checked my banking online and I saw the charge for this “free trial” product on my Visa statement. Huh? I was certain that this was a Free trial.

Confused, I headed back to the website and read the fine print.

It was then that I saw that the Free Trial was for 14 days only. If I was not satisfied with the product, I had to let them know within 14 days of receiving the product. If I did NOT contact them within 14 days, they would assume that I was happy and proceed to bill me for the product.

What the F…..?

That can’t be right! How can they do that without my permission? Well, I’ll tell you how, you dummy – you didn’t read the fine print and you gave them your bloody credit card information!!

Now they can do anything they want and you are the one scrambling about trying not to get bamboozled any more than you already have.

Before you ask, I did call the company and got the quintessential “I’m sorry, there is nothing we can do.”

The very polite gentleman told me in no uncertain terms that the fine print was clear and there was no way to get my money back but he will cancel any further shipments if I wish.

But wait! He is so convinced that I will love the product that he will give me his 50% employee discount for the product going forward.

What a deal!

he says with great enthusiasm!

Of course he’s enthusiastic, I’m probably the 20th caller he’s had today and if he can sell me on continuing to pay for this fantastic product (even at half price), he will increase his chances of winning that top salesman trip to Daytona Beach or The Grand Canyon.

All I can say is that if I make any more of these stupid mistakes, I won’t be heading to Florida or Arizona any time soon.

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remember when life was a workout

babs — Sat, 17 Feb 2018 05:12:32 GMT

When we were growing up, we didn’t need to join a gym or sign up for Zumba classes. Life was a workout. We were moving all day long.

We walked to school; home for lunch; back to school and back home again. In every kind of weather – sun, rain, snow and sleet.

Our parents didn’t drive us everywhere (or anywhere!) – we walked or rode our bikes.

We didn’t call or text our friends to see if they were home and wanted to hang out. We had to walk all the way over to their house and if they weren’t home; or were busy; we either walked to another friends house or back home.

We played outside. One of the fondest memories I have from my childhood is playing hide and seek in the townhouse complex we lived in. Home free was the big lamp post in the middle and we would play all evening and even into the darkness. We played outside until our parents – one by one – started calling us inside.

We played outside because there wasn’t anything on the nine TV channels we got that was compelling enough to keep us inside.

Unless it was “Battle of the Network Stars” night. I LOVED that show!

Speaking of TV, do you remember getting up to change the channel? Do you remember the argument about who was going to do it!

It’s your turn! No, it’s your turn, I did it last time!

Even the smallest activities that had us moving are now gone.

Do you remember rolling down the car window? OMG! I would love to put a teenager in a car without power windows and watch them try to figure out how to get the window down.

How about washing and drying the dishes by hand?

And running to answer the phone before the person hung up because, if you missed it, you had no idea who called. There were no machines to take a message.

Even cleaning was much more hard work then than it is now. No Crossfit class could match the workout my mother got every Saturday morning with her wringer washing machine!

That thing was the complete work out: cardio while chasing the machine across the room; strength training when hauling it back to the corner by the wash tub; and a full arm workout feeding the clothes through the wringer (pushing and pulling so that it didn’t get all balled up and pop the wringer).

And it always fell to us kids to bend and stretch hanging the clothes on the line to dry. Take the laundry away and – boom – we were doing squats!

Now, I’m not saying that I begrudge the inventions and advances that are supposed to make our lives easier. They do make life easier but there is a price to pay.

They have taken away the natural movement that we are supposed to be doing with our bodies as we go through our day. Even natural movement like walking is being done less and less because of the way our modern cities are being built.

Take my town for example. My town has all of the historical buildings marked with plaques so you can see how it was mapped out at the very beginning. There was the main street that ran (still runs) North/South with some shops, an apothecary, a market, bank, post office and a small restaurant. At the South end of Main Street is the school and the library.

The residential flows to the East and West out from the Main street.

The businesses that were not required daily were on side streets just off the Main street. Things like the Doctor’s office, the Veterinarian and the Shoemaker.

This model made sense. Everyone could walk to the Main street and pick up everything they needed for the next day or two. They had to walk home so they would only buy what they could carry. This meant three or four trips to Main street per week.

Imagine how much walking was done (how much “working out”) in a week just to aquire the items that you needed to live day to day. And the bicep work carrying everything home!

The school was within walking distance for all of the kids – some close and some a bit further away but still walkable. If your parents had a car, they certainly weren’t wasting gas to cart your precious ass to school. Not in sun, rain, snow or sleet.

My town has now grown so much that the residential has sprawled East and West almost as far as the next town on both sides. The Main street is still there but the bank and the post office are gone. They’ve moved to the large plaza’s where the grocery stores and Shopper’s Drug Marts are.

There are a few specialty shops (the Persian rug store, the local psychic, the tatoo shop), but everything you really want is at the big box area.

There are two to choose from. The one at the south end of town or the one at the East end of town. Both have a Costco, a Walmart, a Home Depot, a Staples, a Best Buy, restaurant chains like Montana’s and Boston Pizza and a Michaels.

Michaels just baffles me – do that many people really do that many crafts? So many that they need an entire large retail store dedicated to it?

Now we have to drive every time we need something.

Okay, we don’t HAVE to drive. I’m not against walking – even long distances – but who has the time! I don’t want to spend the entire afternoon getting printer paper from the Staples store.

And, although it would be great exercise, I am not willing to walk all the way back home carrying a box of 5000 sheets of paper.

If you’re someone who is naturally active – perhaps you’re a gym rat or play a sport recreationally – then you don’t necessarily have anything to worry about.

But there are many of us who aren’t naturally active. We need to rely on our daily activity to give us the required movement and exercise we need but the activity just isn’t there anymore.

So what to do?

Maybe we need to do things the old way every now and then.

If you only need a couple items, choose to walk to the store instead of driving. (I did that the other day. I walked all the way to the Sobeys for a loaf of bread. Why? Because I needed the exercise and because all I needed was a loaf of bread. If I drove, I probably would have added a bunch of things I didn’t need. So it was good for my health and my finances.)

If your kids (or grandkids) are young – walk to school with them instead of driving.
Park further from the door of the store you’re going to (I actually do this, my daughter hates it!)

Walk to the mailbox every night instead of stopping on the way home in your car (this is for those of us that have those superboxes)

Take the stairs in the Mall instead of the escalator (this one separates the men from the boys let me tell you)

Don’t use the drive-thru! Get out of your car and walk inside.
Wash and dry the dishes by hand every now and then or,
for a better work out – wash your car . . . or your dog! Or even go to a “wash it yourself” place. For your car, not your dog. We have one of those and I have used it. Better than sitting in your car being pulled through the wash – and cheaper too!

The idea is to work on adding activity to our day without knowing it. And don’t overthink it. If the above suggestions don’t appeal to you, then just start walking!

A friend of mine has lost a significant amount of weight by using a Fitbit to count his steps every day. He keeps to a minimum of 10,000 steps per day and the results are remarkable. Just from walking!

I’m not ready to spend $200 on a FitBit right now but maybe I can step it up a bit. (pun intended)

Walking will get the muscles working and the blood flowing which:

Improves memory
Lowers blood pressure
Builds bone density
Helps to reduce bad cholesterol

And probably a whole lot more.

The point is to just “move”! Move so that our bodies don’t start to atrophy.

At•ro•phy (verb) – gradually decline in effectiveness or vigor due to underuse or neglect.

That’s when you really start to feel old.

or is that just February talking?

babs — Sat, 27 Jan 2018 02:59:20 GMT

Well. It’s just about February in Canada. I do not do February well.

I get bored and restless in February and yet I don’t want to do anything. So I sit. I sit in front of the computer, scrolling endlessly through funny youtube videos.

I understand that the millennial generation would argue that this was time well spent.
Do I agree? Sometimes.

Or I sit in front of the TV watching the same reruns of the same TV shows for hours.

But I’m not really watching. I’m thinking. I’m pondering my life and my future. I find that I do that a lot since I turned 50. I have as much to look back on as I do to look forward to now. But I struggle with what I’m looking forward to.

Where am I going? What do I want the rest of my life to look like? Am I happy? I‘m not even sure I know the answer to that question. I don’t think that I’m unhappy. But I think I could be happier than I am.

Or is that just February talking?

I work ALL of the time. That is the downside of the global workplace (I work closely with my offices in Malaysia and India). You can literally work 24 hours a day. It’s also a big pitfall of working at home. You are never off duty.

But I love my job and I’m proud of my accomplishments so work is not a chore. Work doesn’t make me unhappy. Still, there has to be more – right?

Or is that just February talking?

Tips for dealing with the February blahs

I think my last vacation was 4 years ago. Granted it was a great one – I finally got to take the kids to DisneyWorld. But that was more than 4 years ago! I haven’t even gone away for a weekend since.

How could I? Weekends are saved for cleaning and errands like grocery shopping. Weekends aren’t “Miller time” anymore, they’re more like “Vacuum time!”. Good times.

When was the last time that I did something fun? I seriously can’t remember. Oh wait, I did go to a movie a couple weeks ago. Alone. Sad? Maybe. But I had a gift card and I couldn’t find anyone to go with me. And I really wanted movie theatre popcorn. Popcorn never lets me down.

Or is that just February talking?

I’ve been missing my family lately too. Nostalgia is a guest that comes to visit often when you cross over the 50 yard line. They are all back in my home town and I hardly ever get to see them.

I remember when my aunt used to show up on a Saturday afternoon just to have coffee with my mother. I would love to pop in on my sister. But she’s too far away and that kind of spontaneity needs to be arranged which is, well, not spontaneous.

I’m seriously thinking about moving back to my home town. It’s actually the only place that my BF and I can agree on as a possible retirement destination.

I spend a lot of time looking at houses on line on realtor.com and we even went to an open house once. But I’m nervous. It’s a big risk – can you go back? Is my home town as great as I remember it?

Moving isn’t the answer. At least not right now. My philosophy is that if you’re going to run, you need to be sure that you’re running “to” and not running “away”. This philosophy has served me well in my life.

what am I really frustrated about?

It may be that I need to make a change in my life but February is NOT the month to be making life-changing decisions. At least not for me.

Because it might just be February talking.

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thankful for quality car time

babs — Thu, 14 Dec 2017 21:58:35 GMT

Why is it that the only quality time I get with my teenage daughter is in the car?

Is it because she is trapped now and, if she doesn’t talk to me, there is a real possibility that she won’t get where she wants to go?

In the car, we are the best of friends.

That’s where she tells me what’s happening in her life – a new boy she likes, a course she is struggling with in school, troubles or triumphs with her drama-filled girlfriends.

The car is the only place I get straight answers about her classes and grades. The car is where we talk about her college plans. Her future.

Often, I’m picking her friends up too and driving them home. It’s great because I get to meet them. Some I like – some, not so much. And the car is where I get to voice my opinion about them.

We sing along to the Kinky Boots soundtrack – really loud! And we laugh; we laugh a lot. And sometimes we even cry in the car. I’m sure that people in the cars around us are staring but we don’t notice.

We are in our special bubble, having our quality time.

In the car, this young woman is so vibrant, smart, open and funny . . . where does this young woman go when we arrive home?

We enter the house and – boom! – she’s gone. She’s in her room and I’m lucky to see her again before I say goodnight.

If we do cross paths in the hallway or on the stairs, I’m lucky to get a grunt or even eye contact.

Occasionally she joins us for dinner but it’s only for as long as it takes to fuel her tiny 101 lb frame (lucky girl got the body frame and metabolism from her father’s side).

Reminding her to bring her dishes to the sink is met with a snarky comment and/or a serious eye roll.

A final quick sip of milk and she’s gone again. Not to be seen now until I head off to bed. I always pop into her room to say goodnight. To be honest though, I think it’s only so I can be sure she is still even in the house.

People may say (and some have)

Why are you driving her (or picking her up) all of the time? Tell her to take the bus!

Why? Because I want my car time. I need my car time with her before she really is gone. I am so thankful for our quality car time.

Quite frankly, if it weren’t for our quality car time, I’m not so sure I would remember what she looks like.

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inheritance? don’t count on it.

babs — Sun, 15 Oct 2017 18:46:40 GMT

Do you think about how much you’re going to be able to leave your kids when you go? I don’t. Am I bad mother? I don’t think so.

I just don’t think that inheritance is something you should count on. I also don’t believe that inheritance is an entitlement.

Will I have any inheritance to leave?

I can’t be sure that I’m going to have enough money to take care of myself in my golden years but; and it may sound cold; I am certainly not going to compromise my own standard of living just so I can be sure to have money left to leave my kids.

I love my kids more than anything in this world but, if I did my job right, they should be able to take care of themselves. Any inheritance that I can leave them should not be a meal ticket, it should be gravy.

Money or no money – make sure you have a Will anyway.

Regardless of whether or not there is going to be anything to leave, I still have a Will and my kids will get to share in the bulk of any estate I do leave. The thing is, no one can predict what that “estate” will be.

That’s why my lawyer recommended that I not put dollar amounts in my Will. He said that if I chose to leave a stipend (a fixed dollar amount) to any one person or organization that there was no way to know at this time how much of the estate that stipend would represent in the future.

That dollar amount stipend could end up being too little compared to the final tally of the estate worth or, worse, it could end up being most of the estate leaving less than you wanted to others.

For example; if my estate is worth $500,000, then a $25,000 stipend would only be 5% of my estate. But if my estate wound up only being $50,000, then that same stipend would represent 50% of my estate.

Use percentages, not dollar amounts when allocating money in your Will.

My lawyer said to use percentages and this is great advice! If you leave a stipend of 5% then there is no guarantee what that amount will be at the end but it will always be 5%.

Doing it this way also means that I don’t have to update my Will as often. If my kids each get 40% of my estate and the remaining 20% is distributed elsewhere, then it doesn’t matter if my financial situation fluctuates over the years; the percentages don’t change.

Should you count on an inheritance?

It’s not a good idea and I will tell you why. An inheritance is not guaranteed. Again, you don’t know how much there is going to be – if anything!

Your parents may be well off and living in an expensive home that is fully paid for but that is now. Things happen.

They are retired now, and they have worked hard, so traveling and finally enjoying some luxuries in life might be in store. It’s their money and they should be the first in line to spend it however they want.

That’s what my grandparents did. I didn’t know them to travel anywhere before my grandfather retired but when he did – oh boy! They went everywhere! They were going on trips everywhere for about 5 years. They finally got to see the world and it was a great time for them. Only when they were finished were they ready to pull the rocking chairs out onto the porch, relax and put together photo albums of their adventures.

I’m pretty sure that my grandparents didn’t give one thought to how much of their kids inheritance they were spending.

What if your parents live far longer than expected and outlive their savings? They may need to sell their home, downsize and use the equity money to continue their desired standard of living for another 10 years.

And let’s not forget that aging brings health challenges that you can’t predict. And health challenges always cost money.

What if there is no inheritance at all?

You can’t predict how your parents are going to set up their Will. They may skip you and your brother and leave everything in trust to the grandchildren.

You have no way of knowing and, guess what? – they don’t have to tell you!

Or maybe the investments that were made took a fatal turn. And it may not even be their fault. I know people who have lost their entire pensions because of bad decisions made by their company or because their company went bankrupt.

There is no law that says you have to leave money to your kids.

There are no laws at all determining who or what someone leaves their estate to and it’s very hard to argue against a Will simply because you’re a son or daughter.

Even billionaires like Warren Buffet and Bill Gates have stated that they aren’t leaving their fortunes to their kids.

An inheritance can bring out the worst in people

There is also the very sad fact that inheritance can bring out the worst in people. There are so many stories of inheritance destroying families. Even if you do try to be as fair as possible (not that you have to), it doesn’t mean that kids (or ex-wives) won’t fight.

You hear horror stories all the time.

Billy remembers that Sally got piano lessons when she was nine so that should be deducted from her inheritance. Or squabbles over how much the family cottage is worth if one or the other wants to keep it.

You think I’m kidding but I am not! Money changes people and contesting a Will and/or court battles with siblings will only ensure that your parent’s estate will go to lawyers. Even if things do finally get settled, it can sometimes take years.

And what about second marriages?

Common-law:

The laws are different for common law; Dad is not automatically entitled to his common-law wife’s estate the way he would be if married. And if there is no legal agreement, there may be no provision for the time and money he put into the relationship leaving Dad with nothing.

Versus marriage

If Mom passes and her new husband gets everything, there is no guarantee that any of her estate will come to you upon his passing.

Kids – yours, mine and ours

Blended families usually mean more people to share the estate with so you may not get what you expected (but you shouldn’t be expecting anything, should you?).

Mi casa es tu casa?

Did Dad’s new wife move into Dad’s house? If Dad passes, the home will likely become hers. He may not have thought to make provisions so that his kids benefit from any eventual sale.

The bottom line is that you have no control over inheritance – how much or whether or not there even is one. So you shouldn’t count on one. And you shouldn’t let your kids count on one.

My kids didn’t even know about inheritance until recently. We were talking about money and they were shocked to know that, if I pass, they get whatever I have. I told them not to get any ideas about bumping me off right now though; they should wait because I will probably be worth a lot more in 20 years. It was hilarious!

I am fortunate to still have my mom and dad so I haven’t faced the inheritance issue yet but I know that, when time comes, there isn’t going to be whole lot for my siblings and I to argue over. And that’s okay.

My parents have given me the tools I need to take care of myself and I hope that I can give those same tools to my kids. I do hope that I will be able to leave some gravy for them for the future but I don’t lose any sleep over it.

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Facebook makes me feel inadequate

babs — Mon, 02 Oct 2017 21:54:42 GMT

Do you know what I did today?

> I cleaned the kids bathroom, walked the dog and took a nap.

I wonder what my Facebook friends did today?!

> Steve and Kellee are posting pictures from Amsterdam

> Debi is on her boat with a cocktail

Hmmm. A cocktail would go down good right now.

> Kim and Perry are around the fire pit at their trailer

> Anne is having her parents over for dinner

That reminds me, I really need to call my mom.

> Jane’s posting pics of her new bathroom

Look’s great Jane! I really should clean the other bathroom.

> Christine is hosting a birthday party

> Brad is posting pics of his latest culinary creation

Hmmm. Getting hungry. Maybe some cheese with this cocktail?

> Stacey is on another vacation

She is always on freaking vacation! I want to go on a vacation!

> Sandra just passed her Pleasure Craft Boating Licence exam

That sounds cool. Does my sofa count as a Pleasure Craft?

> Scott’s garden is gorgeous, he’s working hard

> Jessica is at a birthday party – looks like lots of fun

> Kerri is baking again

Or is she just randomly posting recipes to make us think that she is baking? Does anybody bake that much?

> Cheryl and family are in Banff, Alberta

> Alex is at the art gallery

Alex, I don’t think you’re allowed to take photos – just sayin’

> Gabby just had a baby – baby pics galore!

Adorable!

> Luanne is out for dinner with friends – again

> Sheri is in Montreal

> Sherry is at the cottage

Two different Sherry’s

> Kathy is dressed like a wooky?

I really hope that she’s at a Star Wars costume party!?

> Michelle made jam today

I made toast today. We should get together tonight!

> Frank cycled from Toronto to Niagara for charity

Okay, no need to show off now.

> Kristine is at the ball park watching her kids play

> Samantha is partying with her friends

Samantha has a lot of friends!

> Kathy’s at the Ripley’s Aquarium in Toronto

I’ve been meaning to go there . . . maybe next weekend.

> Gillian made a salad with produce from her garden

I produced a salad from Sobey’s!

> Chris is building with Habitat for Humanity

Yeah. Nothing I say will make me look good next to this one.

Uuugh! I’m exhausted watching my friends be so busy. I think I need another nap.

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