50 shades of what???

I was sent on a business trip recently and I was surprised that there was no movie on either of my connecting flights.

I can tell you that seven hours goes by very slowly when all you’ve got for entertainment is solitaire on your cell phone.

So, while waiting at the airport for my flight home, I decided to buy a book.

I wasn’t sure what I was in the mood for so I wandered aimlessly through the book shop and I happened upon “50 shades of grey”.

Hmm. I’d heard about this one, it was all the rage a couple years ago – a best-seller. I remember that it was popular because it was what they call an “erotic romance” novel. The main character was described as a hauntingly handsome millionaire with a sexual obsession of the obscure kind.

I was intrigued.

The book burned up all of the talk shows at the time. I think they even made a movie about it.

I thought, what the heck, let’s give it a shot. I’ve got seven hours to kill, let’s see what all the fuss is about.

Well, let me tell you – by the time we hit cruising altitude, I knew what the fuss about. And how!

I’ve never considered myself a prude but this book is pornographic prose. The book is 514 pages long and about 400 of those words are devoted to sex.

There was barely a plot:

University grad meets a rich entrepreneur who introduces her to his world of Sadomasochism. 

There. Seriously, you don’t have to read it now.

I’m certain my face was flushed as I was reading. I was actually embarrassed even though I’m sure no one was paying any attention to me at all.

I found myself holding the book closer and closer to my face on the plane because I didn’t want my seat mate to glance over and catch a couple of words off the page and wonder what filth this old lady is reading. In public no less!

By the time my connecting flight was in the air, the cover was crumpled because I had to fold it so far back so no one could see the title. Seriously, the book jacket should have been a plain brown wrapping.

I had to take breaks because it was just too much sometimes. But it was like a car wreck – you don’t want to look (read) but you can’t help yourself.

Now, I know what you’re going to say.

If it was that bad, why didn’t you just put it down and go back to your solitaire?

Why?

Because I kept expecting something to happen.

Anything to happen! This was a best seller for heaven’s sake – where was the story? Where was the plot? Nothing. The whole book was sex, sex and then you turn the page and – yup, you guessed it – more sex.

And then, when there just aren’t any words left to describe the sex, the author ends the book.

It ended so abruptly, I felt cheated. Cheated in the way you feel when you get to the end of an episode of a great TV show only to find out it’s a “part one”.

There is no wrap up, no resolution. No happily ever after (spoiler alert) or tragic twist. Ana is titillated by Mr. Grey right up until the last scene when she simply changes her mind and walks away. WTF!

What a grand waste of my time. I’d like to know what literary critic deemed this a “must read”.

I disagree vehemently and if my review here can save even one person from the colossal waste of time that this book is, then my words are worth it.

If you’ve read the book and I’ve somehow missed the “message”, please enlighten me by leaving a comment below. Or maybe you agree with me – let me know that I’m not the only prude out there.

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4 Comments
  1. Haha! I didn’t read the book as I heard so much about it before hand. I went to see the movie, and of course, it couldn’t be as graphic. It wasn’t much of a movie either . At least I didn’t waste as much time as you did LOL. With you travelling so much now, you will have to get a tablet and watch her own Movies on it.

  2. The books were shite. Yup, I said it. The first is the worst. Not even cleverly written.
    I read them in the same curiousity as you. I read them along side a friend to discuss…or giggle. There was nothing to discuss.
    I am with you on how this was ever a best seller. They just dumbed down literature.
    As for your folded cover, I agree with Brenda…get a tablet for privacy. Apparently many woman read it on tablets for that very reason 😉

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